Office Haiku

I first started writing Office Haiku in the summer of 2003. It was my first job out of college and every day was a new adventure. Meanwhile, at the same time, my girlfiend had started a job working for a second-tier magazine publisher. Her experience there was pretty much the trashier, not quite as hip New Jersey version of The Devil Wears Prada. Thus was born Office Haiku.

I had taken inspiration from Honku, a book of roadrage Haiku I came across at the Union Square Barnes and Noble one afternoon. Writing Haiku is quite therapeutic.

After a few months I was beginning to amass quite a collection of Office Haiku. I have well over one hundred now. I was planning on assembling the best and trying to shop it around to publishers. I didn’t.

In January of 2006, I came across an internet article about a new book forthcoming from James Rogauskas; he was publishing a book of Office Haiku.

I assume that one book of Office Haiku is more than the world needs and so have given up on the hope of ever publishing my own, superior collection. Rogauskas’s best Office Haiku are reprinted on Amazon as a promotional. In either case, my Office Haiku, the Original Office Haiku, are available here, for free. At least until someone offers to publish them.

Anyway, this summer I decided to animate one of the Office Haiku. I think I met with both success and failure. You can view the results at Google Video.

the Original Introduction

What is an Office Haiku? Ancient Japanese poets created the Haiku form of poetry as meathod of describing pastoral beauty. Traditional Haiku conclude with a new observation or an epiphany. When Haiku came to English, they were restricted to a syllabic pattern of 5,7,5.

Office Haiku employ the syllabic pattern 5,7,5 and conclude with an often humorous epiphany about the work place. Example:

Hourly Wages
Fail to pay for gas and tolls.
Should have stayed at home.

This project has two sources of inspiration. First there is Honku by Aaron Naparstak. I came across this little book at a Barnes and Noble in New York City. Then I read Iain Levison’s memoir A Working Stiff’s Manifesto. I have to admit I picked up the book mostly because we shared a first name, but as it turned out the book contained some witty and insightful remarks on the work experience.

Classic Office Haiku

My life has become
Microsoft Windows Update
Install in progress

Magna cum Laude,
Four-point-oh, Master’s degree.
I answer the phone.

Casual Fridays
For Attorneys, not for you.
They have the hard life.

Clients make claims
They were never told the price.
Hard work for nothing.

Super slow printer
Makes me miss early bus.
Sleep at the office.

Local politics:
Convention ruins commute.
Won't vote anyway.

Day off on Friday
Ruined by pesky clients.
Cellular phones stink.

Working late, skipped lunch,
I drank diet coke instead.
Now I have the gas.

Project almost done,
Have not showered in two days,
Must catch the last train.

Clutter on my desk
Makes me look like I’m busy.
Never work too hard.

The Secretary
Of my boss has a better
reserved parking space.

Three supervisors
And none can explain my job;
They all like to yell

An intern's first day:
Data entry, get coffee.
Cry, get more coffee.

Taxes due next week
The accountant has run off
with the boss's wife.

The Client Brainstorms:
We appear interested.
Secretly, doodle.

Evading taxes
seemed like a clever idea,
until we were caught.

Sleep in the office,
Salary does not pay rent.
I need a shower.

Personnel

Beautiful intern
Screws up my report, Lesson:
Should read resume

Forget new girl’s name,
She is neat and organized.
She won’t work here long.

Magna cum Laude,
Four-point-oh. Master’s degree.
I answer the phone.

Weird tech support guy,
You smell like rotten tuna.
Don't sit next to me.

Hot girl works downstairs.
Morning chit-chat made my day.
She quit yesterday.

Water Cooler Girl
Drinks five glasses per hour.
Does she work at all?

The telephone rings.
I want a Secretary.
Realize I am one.

MEMO: To all staff
Coffee breaks are wasted time.
Fall asleep instead?

When profits go down,
Reduce costs by downsizing--
Best workers laid off.

Job Security:
Hoping to become full time.
Help train replacement.

The Client Knows Best:
Move it left, change the color.
Why have consultants?

Place a lunch order
Clients call to make changes.
Eat cold lunch at four.

Secretary Day:
Forgot to get him flowers
Stop getting my calls

Hardware

Computer crashes
Deleting three weeks of work.
Macs ruin my life.

Lonely fax machine
Dials for a lover,
Exchanges digits.

Detritus data
Seeking single fax machine,
Plain paper preferred.

My voicemail is full.
Screeching messages cried by
Forlorn fax machine

Faxing invoices,
Busy signal interferes,
Connection denied.

Internet goes down
I’m confused without Google.
Stare at monitor.

Office temperature
Drops below fifty degrees
Can’t touch thermostat.

Call the tech support.
"You've never had this happen?"
Stick with typewriters.

My life has become
Microsoft Windows Update
Install in progress

Lost Palm Pilot
Forgot to back up my data.
Re-enter my contacts.

Reloaded Toner.
Filled Primary Paper Tray.
Now why won't it print?

The Boss

Boss procrastinates,
Stay late fixing his errors.
He goes home early.

The phone rings at five.
The boss has a flat tire.
Why did I answer?

The boss wonders why
Productivity declines.
No bonus this year!

One percent raises,
Quote: “Slimmer profit margin,”
Boss buys a new boat.

Out of letterhead
The boss still has order forms
Need her signature.

Asked to golf outing,
Funny pants make my skin itch.
Caddy for the boss.

Calling a vendor,
The boss interrupts conversation.
Missed what sales rep said.

Drinks with Co-Workers
Gossip about our boss
She over hears me

Reading news online,
See the Company mentioned:
Embezzlement, fraud.

Boss brings dog to work
Chews through my leather briefcase
"She's so Cute," I say.

Office Policy

Morning coffee break
Hungover on Rye Whiskey
Promise, not again

Monthly paycheck comes
Contemplate selling cocaine—
Get ahead at last!

Reading news online,
See the Company mentioned:
Embezzlement, fraud.

Start at nine, skip lunch
Stay late finishing report,
But its Saturday.

Wireless vendors
Can’t stop calling the office.
Stop wasting my time!

The Phone never stops,
Can’t work with the ringing!
At midnight, it stops.

Negotiations
Lead to new acquisitions.
Then there are layoffs

Lobby magazines
are not for employee use
Discarded unread

On Casual day,
I wore cut-offs and t-shirt.
Then I got fired.

Write a report on
Poor Resource Allocation.
It took me six days.

Parking lot is full
Have to park three blocks away
Late for staff meeting

Clutter on my desk
Makes me look like I’m busy.
Never work too hard.

Worthless stock options
Are not incentives for us;
They threaten layoffs.

I arrive on time:
Check email, read Newspaper
Start Working at ten.

I get out early
Hoping to beat rush hour.
Not the only one.

Invoices Arrive.
Sort. Pay. File. Consider:
Earn less than phone bill.

Organize my pens,
Shuffle paper on my desk.
Isn’t it five yet?